Notre Dame Cathedral…la histoire, le futur, notre coeur

It is the morning after we lost so much of what made the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris a symbolic presence in our lives. Twelve hours later, I struggle with emotions and why this inanimate building feels like a significant loss to my life and to the world. Initially upon hearing a colleague say to me “Notre Dame is on fire”, my first question was “Montreal or Paris?” We quickly loaded up a live news feed and sure enough – there was Notre Dame in Paris on fire. Immediately upon seeing the large flames, I knew that the destruction would be catastrophic. I couldn’t stop watching the live news throughout my lunch hour.

After lunch, I went forward with my job – to teach French at an elementary school. I couldn’t bring myself to explain this loss to my students as I couldn’t yet grasp what I would say. I also couldn’t explain why I felt so strongly saddened by this loss. Was it because I am a French teacher and it represents a culture I feel strongly connected to? Was it because since I was a student of Grade 8, I fell in love with French language, culture, and history? Or was it because Notre Dame was one of the very first attractions my spouse and I saw on our first Europe excursion in 2016? Was I feeling the emotions of losing a piece of iconic history?

Part of my brain process reminded myself – this is just a building but yet it is so much more. Notre Dame Cathedral was built in 1163 and has survived the French revolution, 2 world wars. It is a strong symbol of Catholicism and French identity. Its foundation stone was laid by Pope Alexander the third. It is a piece of architecture that is indescribable as one must be able to see it to fully understand its magnificence. The cathedral has been a joy of imaginations of those who enjoyed the story of the Hunchback of Notre Dame which was also made into a children’s movie. Millions of visitors visit Notre Dame every year.

As someone who has seen Notre Dame inside and out, I find it a new challenge to express what it is that we lost. As I continue to teach about Notre Dame in my cultural units, it will be with a saddened heart knowing my students will never to get to see Notre Dame in the splendour that I once did. Yet, already within just a few hours of the tragic accident, we see the good of people – and already millions of dollars have been donated for the rebuild of Notre Dame Cathedral. I believe seeing how this building brought a world together yesterday to mourn in its loss of what it represented reminded me that humanity is still good and kind. In a world where we hear so much violence and sadness, in this one situation, we also saw beauty. Beauty of a world that understands what losing a piece of history means and that it is okay to feel emotions in that loss. So yes, Lady Notre Dame will live again one day and it will have new stories and new history. But the point of all of this is… she will survive. We will survive. When the world comes together in agreement instead of disagreement – how powerful we can be. The next step is taking that bit of commonality of a moment when we all felt the same heartbreak as we watched Notre Dame in flames, and remember to hold that value in how we live each day.

Personally, the accidental destruction of Notre Dame reminds me of my last year dealing with a serious injury. Both Lady Notre Dame and myself could not do anything to prevent what happened to us. Both of us have been through some rough patches in our past but always stayed standing. Yet, this one time, something so severe happened that was beyond our control and we both fell. Like myself, Notre Dame Cathedral will be rebuilt, but for us both, we will never be the same. We will have new outside and insides. We will perhaps be stronger. We will not forget what we lost but we will move forward to the future with new strength.

Hopefully, we can take this loss as a reminder to not take for granted the past, but also realize how much strength we have when we come together in a common place. 

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Barely running – journey back to running and to finding patience

Last year running would have been theain focus of my life. I lived for my days of training that included a run of any type – aerobic, intensity, hills. If it was running, I’d be excited for it.

Last week at physiotherapy when I was told I could start doing some outdoor running again, I was so excited initially. But then I was hit with a sense of fear and anxiety. What if my hip hurts? What I tear my labrum again (whether same hip or the other)? What if running isn’t good for me? What if I only ever hurt and exercise never feels good again?

But on Saturday last week, I layered up and said “runnies?” to my best friend and 4 legged running partner – a word she hasn’t heard since March 4, 2018. And we set off. It wasn’t easy but I enjoyed the 3k we did even with the run/walk intervals I have had to go back to.

The problem with my hip labral tear is that we don’t fully know the reason why I had it. The surgeon had thought it may have been a hip joint issue – that there was something on the hip joint that caused the tear. But when he did the surgery, nothing was wrong with the hip joint itself. So did the tear happen during the many hours of shovelling had done during a snowstorm? That’s when hip began to hurt. But I’ve been told shovelling isn’t a typical movement that would cause a hip labrum tear. Possible though. Or was it something that had already been happening due to running? Hip labral tears are a common (even if not well known) running injury.

I don’t talk about it much but I want a reason for this. I want to know what caused it so I can avoid it. I want to know the whys and the how’s. And even now, almost 5 months post op – it still haunts me.

Especially as I’m told it’s ok to start running again. But is it?

Each week I feel like I’m getting better, something else is bugging me. A few weeks ago, it was my knee. It hurts like heck – typically not during an activity but after and during just normal day walking around the house and such. Last week it’s the front of my shin. It has a sharp pain. My physiotherapist is amazing. She takes all my concerns seriously and I’ve learned that any small isn’t a small thing but important to share. I usually hate to complain. I don’t like to express how I feel or if I’m hurting. I hate admitting when I’m not doing well. But I’ve learned how to this past year. I still struggle admitting pain or when I can’t do something – but I am able to do even with a deep internal mental battle where I’m trying to convince myself I can.

My physiotherapist has always been compassionate, sympathetic, concerned, and patient in any small or big issue I have had. She works with me on it – gives me tools to help it. I often want an immediate fix but sometimes there is none. It just means time. I spent 4 months bedridden in pain before we were able to get the MRI to confirm the diagnosis that both physiotherapist and surgeon believed was a hip labral tear. After surgery, I was on crutches and mostly in bed for another 4 weeks, before progressing to 1 crutch for 2 weeks but still resting a lot in bed. My whole body, not just my left hip, has been through the wringer this year. My mind too. There is a lot of work to put back in to get me back to just functioning as pain free as possible. It’ll take that much more work to get me back to where I was athletic wise before this injury happened.

On Thursday, I went to my Conviction Fitness workout and was so excited to see kettlebell snatches in the daily WOD. The first 3 rounds felt amazing – I didn’t know if I’d even remember the movement but it came back like riding a bike. In the 4th round, something in my hip stabbed. I’ve been learning how to listen to my body – and to not let all pains freeze me into stopping what I’m doing. So I stopped, shook my hip out to loosen it up. Thought it felt ok. Positioned myself to try again, and one snatch in – same pain returned to my hip. So I stopped and asked my coach if I could do another movement instead. He asked “what’s wrong?” And I explained and he said “I say just stop. You don’t have to jump back into everything all at once. Sometimes it’s ok to just do what you can and stop.”

Again. Patience. I want to hit the ground running, push through the pain and just be who I was athletically before this. But that’s not what’s going to get me back to where I was. In fact, it’ll do the opposite.

After my Saturday run, I was sore so I didn’t jump immediately into a run on Sunday. I also got hit with a flu early hours of Monday morning. So I didn’t force it. On Wednesday, I felt way better and excitedly prepared for another run – thinking I’d do a 5k. I had a terrible run. Every step felt like I was fighting to move. My calves were angry. It’s now winter in Saskatchewan and winter running is not easy. I wore my grip tractions over my running shoes and that was great from my house to the park on the snow covered roads. Once I hit the park, the running paths were actually clear and the metal of the grips on asphalt seemed to jar my hip and my body more than it ever has in the 4 years of winter running I’ve done. It never bothered me before and made more sense to wear them for the sections that needed them than to not wear them and slip when I hit a bad section. Especially this year – I can’t risk a fall!

Throughout the whole run I wanted to cry. Something I used to enjoy seemed to have lost its spark. I slowly also became angry. Angry that this injury happened. Angry that everything seems to be a challenge. Angry that when it seems it’s getting better, something happens that reminds me it isn’t all easy. Angry that I can enthusiastically agree to do every event or activity presented to me. Angry that the cold winter hurts me more than it ever as. Angry that my calves were hurting. Angry that this took so long to get back to running.

I returned home angry.

I think under the surface for most of this week, I was angry. But after hearing my coach on Thursday and his comment “you don’t have to jump into everything fully right away” and hearing physio on Friday say similar things “you’re doing amazing but you have to give yourself time and patience”.

I am a giving person – except to myself. But I have to learn to be. I may be barely running right now but by learning to allow myself time and that it’s ok that I can’t do it all right now – I will be running again and loving it. I will be able to do more events with my Conviction Fitness team. I will be able to find a race (or 2) that I can do to fall in love (again) with the athletic person I’ve become.

Barely running.

For now.

That’s ok.

One day, I’ll be running again and I’ll be reminding myself that once I was barely running. And I’ll make sure to pause, breathe, and ask myself what am I doing each day to make sure I remember this new patience with myself I’m learning so that barely running isn’t forced due to injury but just a choice I make when my body needs to rest.

I used to love that quote that “a bad run is better than no run at all”. I don’t love this quote anymore. Forcing a bad run means you’re not listening to your body. Perhaps when your body is telling you not to run it’s time for a rest day or perhaps another aerobic activity you enjoy ( I like walking, swimming, the stationary bike and rucking).

This I do know now. Barely running is better than no running. And if I push it, I could find myself back to the point where running wasn’t even an option. I won’t take this gift of running and of learning patience that I’ve been given again.

Tomorrow is Sunday. What I used to diligently refer to and practice as long run Sunday. Perhaps I’ll wake up and my body will have no pain in the calves, knee or hip. Maybe I’ll lace up the running shoes and try a run. Or maybe I’ll wake up and feel just a twinge and decide to go for a ruck or walk instead. I’m learning that it doesn’t matter what the activity is I do. What matters is I’m getting up every day and I’m doing something active to strengthen myself that I feel capable of being able to do. That is patience. And that is what will get me from barely running to running again.

“I hate swimming”

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. The rehab for this hip surgery for a hip labral tear has been time consuming. If you wanted to keep more up to date, you can check me out on @jessirv04 on Instagram. I try to post not just good but the bad – to be an open book.

Overall my progress is going well. It comes with bad days as well as good. I’m progressing better than originally expected. I am still off work but this week my physiotherapist said we can start returning me gradually after Remembrance Day long weekend. I am a Core French teacher who teaches room to room off a travel cart so we want to build me back up to full time. I’m excited to be getting into more of a routine.

This week marked 17 weeks (4 months) since my surgery. Sometimes it feels so long ago but also sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. Last week, physio started to give me exercises to build me back up into running. I am also trying to make an effort to swim more. I’ve been told this is such a positive thing to do. I still remember even when I was told I could swim and my first thought was “hell no. I hate swimming.” But wanting to make rehab the best possible and to be able to progress to the fullest possible outcome, I knew I had to ignore my mind. So I’ve been going though not as routinely as maybe I should.

It was easier when I was only allowed to walk in the water but once it was upgraded to swimming laps, I hit a wall. I had forgotten how to swim! I can’t afford lessons on disability and I could breast stroke and back crawl. But for some reason something was missing in my front crawl. I couldn’t do it. I would start and end up sputtering about 5-6 strokes in. I had lost the rhythm as I had allowed swimming to become non-existent in my life. I haven’t swam laps since I was 11-12.

So instead of sharing this, I stopped going. I would make a plan to go, pack a bag, and when it came time to go – I wouldn’t. I was embarrassed. Last week, I told myself that would change. I would keep going and figure out the problem. So I went and same issue. Frustrated, I finally vented to my boyfriend and he was able to help. The problem? I was trying to take a breath every stroke! I forgot it was t every stroke. He told me he remembers he picked every 3 strokes. I may have to pick one better for me but that information gave me the tools and motivation to try again.

So I went yesterday. I went to the 8am lane swim at a nearby leisure centre. There is only about 5 elderly people that go and since they prefer to do their walking and swimming with the width of the pool instead of length, the lifeguards don’t set up lanes. They offered to set one up for me but I said – heck, I can do width too. It’s still swimming! I got in and began. Being the only one under the age of 70, none of the other pool users had really talked to me.

I smile at them and nod but never initiate. One, I’ve been embarrassed as they have watched my struggle the past 5-6 weeks, without saying anything. Yesterday, I did the same. Smile. Nod. Goggles on. Start Garmin. And I started swimming front crawl with my boyfriend’s new information. And what do you know? I can swim. I still didn’t feel the most graceful and it wasn’t easy. I even became very grateful the daily lane swim users at this pool have made it possible to do the width of the pool instead of the length. But even though it wasn’t the best graceful swim, I was swimming! If I don’t quit, I can improve on that.

Towards the end of my planned 30 minute swim, one of the elderly woman was leaving and needed to cross my path. So I stopped and said go ahead as I could tell stopping and waiting would be harder for her. She crossed and got to standing level, she turned with a smile on her face and said “I’ve been watching you and you’ve never given up. And you’re actually a really good swimmer.” Well, I think she was exaggerated a little but that comment made all the struggle worth it. It made me realize how easily I could have quit and never heard that comment. I even learned that this woman had also been through hip surgery recently – hip replacement which is different and actually easier than hip arthroscopic surgery but still common ground. She said swimming doesn’t come easy to her but that I had been motivating her to keep coming back even if it felt uncomfortable. So I’ll be back. And even after I “graduate” from physiotherapy, I’m going to keep going back. Maybe not as often but swimming is going to become at least a once a week exercise for me.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but I am starting to even find swimming fun.

Hip Labral Tear Post Op Day 5 – July 1, 2018

Happy Canada Day! It didn’t really feel like a holiday to me at all. Looked like lots of fun activities but no way I can easily manage crowds without really putting a lot of stress on my hip. Even crutches take a lot of effort.

My afternoon nap yesterday made for a sleepless night and I was up until 4am watching Marcella on Netflix – an interesting Netflix original series. I’m already almost finished it. I fell into a deep sleep even if late, and woke up at 9am. A deep ache in my hip overpowered my urge to go back to sleep. I got up for ice and breakfast, and let Ginny out. As I was getting ice, I realized I really needed to pee. Ever try to crutch quickly to the bathroom break? Yeah, we’ll crutching jostles you enough to want to pee even more! I barely made it. I crawled back into bed – getting out of bed has gotten a bit easier but getting back into bed is still painful. Short body and a oversized mattress equals a challenge.

I fell back asleep, and didn’t wake up until noon when Brad woke up. Decided to just shower and relax rest of day. With Brad’s help I got in and out of shower again. Damn the shower tub wall as there is just no easy way to get my left leg over it. Dressed and ready, I managed to make myself my own lunch today, and equipped with fresh ice, made my way back to bed.

My right shoulder is extremely sore today from crutching. And one of my four steri strips came off today. I’m bruising a lot across my abdomen and now with one steri strip off, my poor thigh area is definitely beaten up.

One steri strip fallen off, three more to go

I still mostly just feel most of the ache deep in my hip joint – from the traction they have to do for this surgery and bringing hip out of joint. Surgeon told me hip replacements are actually less painful.

Today I managed to do my physio exercises and hope to do another set before bed.

It still is slow and sore but I want to make sure I’m doing everything I can. I’m very worried about my future – I was right that surgeon said surgery went well but I guess I missed the part where he told me I was already developing arthritis in my hip. I’m 33 years old – this terrifies me. Brad told me Thursday when we sharing each other’s stories of Surgery Day. I’m guessing being overweight for so long and then exercising overweight at the beginning of this lifestyle change has been hard on my body.

This news has made me seriously think the last two days. I love my Spartan races but though I’m not old, I’m no spring chicken. I don’t want to spend my newly found athletic lifestyle jumping injury to injury. This experience has taught me so much and I’d never change it. But I also don’t want to force things on my body that will mean more pain and surgeries down the road. I want to find the balance of being athletic but also reducing my risk of having another hip labral tear and even possibly hip replacement if the arthritis worsens. If I can make any changes in my sports and training that will mean less injuries- I’m open to that. This hurt too much to throw it all away just because I’ve fallen in love with something. I started all of this to become healthy – not to race. For me, being able to run, even if I do it less and shorter distances, and my Conviction Fitness training is all I need. Half marathons and Spartan races were the extras.

My follow up appointment is July 20 and I’ll get more answers then. I’m not going to overthink right now but just prepare myself for making smart choices. I’m going to focus on taking this injury and surgery recovery and rehab slow and steady. I’m keeping track of all my rehab this next year or two in a 2 year calendar. Just marking down what I do. I’ll even track my exercise when I am allowed to do that. I know this will be helpful for the first year after this surgery – you never know what information can help me, my coach, my physiotherapist, or my surgeon. I love the message on the cover.

My journal is with it. My coach created these athlete journals. This is my second one. Writing about this experience has been therapeutic and I know I’ll read about this journey again in my future. You can buy a copy of this journal here:

1. Canada: https://www.amazon.ca/Am-Athlete-This-My-Story/dp/198758340X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1530507967&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=i+am+athlete&dpPl=1&dpID=31-MtjLk7NL&ref=plSrch

2. United States: https://www.amazon.com/Am-Athlete-This-My-Story/dp/198758340X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1530508039&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=i+am+athlete&dpPl=1&dpID=31-MtjLk7NL&ref=plSrch

I also made my weekly to do’s in my weekly planner. Something I’ve done since this injury began – makes me feel like I have things to do and to not let days pass by without me trying to make the day worthwhile. Each day should count for something – even if one thing.

Besides that, listening to the pop pop of fireworks going off – just some neighbourhood ones. Ginny isn’t enjoying these odd sounds but is doing okay.

Nausea hit again today. Not sure if it’s some of the deep joint pain, the medications, or still some side effects from the general anesthesia. Either way, I ended up having soup and naan bread for supper instead of tilapia fish freezer meal. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for your body – something I struggle with. I like to follow my “plan”. I’ve been flexible since my surgery in allowing some detours of my meal plan but I can’t deny it doesn’t mentally bug me for a few minutes. I haven’t been back on my usual tight macro counting daily nutrition habits. I can’t even get to my protein powder right now as it’s on a bottom shelf and the almond milk and spinach is in the fridge at a position that would require me to bend 90 degrees at the hip. Brad kindly put 3 flavours of protein powder on the counter for me but I haven’t had the energy yet to make my daily shake. I think I have to let go of making my blended smoothie and just allow myself to mix a shake of powder and almond milk or water. If I remember to bring my reacher/grabber to kitchen I’d probably be able to reach more items. But crutches are hard enough without adding holding onto a long stick thing too.

But these are all things that will get easier with time. I’ll figure it out. I have to give myself a break. Today I was giving myself a mentally rough time for not doing a lot the past 5 days. But it hasn’t even been a full week since my surgery and it wasn’t the easiest procedure on my body between the anesthesia and the traction. My body was forced to do something we normally try to avoid – dislocating my hip joint. And it’s okay to take a week or two off. The surgeon told me it would be about 2 weeks until I felt better so I have give myself that break too. I’m doing what I can – eating wholesome healthier meals, even if a little bit of my exact macros; doing my daily physical therapy exercises, which hospital PT told me she knows so many people ignore them; and I’m trying to get up for ice and things myself as I know a little bit of movement out of bed, even if on my crutches, is good for my body too.

So today wasn’t a bad day at all. I still am taking my pain medication but already at a lower dose than surgeon expected I’d need the first week. I’m sleeping well without sleeping pills now – which makes me sooo happy! I’m off at least one medication! I did my exercises even though hard and sore, and I’ll do a second round of them for the first time after I finish this post up. I’m still smiling and even with all of this craziness, I’m happy. I have an experience that I’m making the best out of and becoming a better person and athlete because of it. I’m not giving up even when it hurts, and even though I’ve lost some of the weight loss and strength training progress I worked so hard for the last 5 years.

If this injury hadn’t happened, I’d have 3 half marathons for 2018 done out of 5, and I’d be training with my team for the Spartan Kimberley Beast in just under 2 weeks. I was so excited for this trip to the mountains and had an amazing place booked to stay. It was supposed to be a little vacation. It is hard as this event comes closer but I’m figuring out how to make the best of it. I won’t let this injury make me become grumpy and sullen. As much as it is hard to hear that I am developing arthritis, if it weren’t for this injury and surgery, I’d never had known that. Perhaps knowing about it earlier is going to become something that helps me be able to have a longer pain free athletic and healthy lifestyle by making the changes to how I train now instead of when it’s too late. If I hadn’t known, I wouldn’t have even considered stopping doing multiple half marathons and Spartan races each year – and I could have ran my hip into a point where I could never train again.

So I’m growing, learning, embracing change and getting stronger – even if it is a different journey than I had planned. The next 6 months will be the most crucial but I won’t stop at 6 months. I plan to embrace this for the rest of my life.

Hip Labral Tear Post Op Day 3 – June 29, 2018

Today all my teacher friends are finishing up last things before summer holidays. I still can’t believe I missed 3 months of work, and I’m anxious to get a timeline at my follow up appointment on July 20 for a return.

Yesterday I was terrified to take off the bandage but I finally did. It isn’t the prettiest sight but it’s ok. It looks worse than it feels. I’m worried about the blood but it’s not hurting so hoping it’s okay.

I had been on sleeping pills since end of April when the pain was so bad, I couldn’t sleep. I used my last one Wednesday night and I didn’t want to ask for more as I hope to get off of all these medications I had during this injury. It took me some time to fall asleep but I also had a 2 hour supper time nap. I did a mindfulness session using the Calm app and then turned on an audiobook on audible. Since this injury, I don’t shift positions and wearing my corded Bose noise cancelling headphones don’t seem to be dangerous. I felt myself drifting off so I actually took off headphones and I fell asleep around 1:00am and I slept until 8:30am. I woke feeling really stiff and sore, and a deep joint pain, along with some nausea. I hadn’t woken up overnight so I hadn’t iced or taken meds for over 8 hours. Brad helped me get a muffin in me and some meds, and today’s first ice packs. It’s amazing how much better I feel with constant icing.

Ice ice baby

I put on my headphone to listen to my audiobook again, hoping pain and nausea would pass. The pain isn’t severe – just constant and so deep that it hurts enough to make you go crazy. After a couple hours in the dark with an audiobook, I knew I had to get in the shower. I had washed myself real good last 2 days but I was still starting to smell.

So Brad put together the shower chair we ordered, put the suction safety handle on the shower wall, and I put waterproof tegaderm bandages over my 4 incision areas and Saran wrapped the heck around my thigh. Now to get in – using one crutch as I’m not supposed to put full weight on left hip, I managed to get right leg in tub with almost a spill – didn’t think about the bath mat slipping from the weight of crutch pressed against it. Luckily Brad was there and caught it before crutch slipped completely. It was hard to get my left leg raised enough without pain over tub wall but I did it and I got onto the shower chair. Brad handed me the handheld shower head his parents had kindly installed before my surgery, and left. I didn’t think I’d be able to turn on the water and hit the shower button but I did and it felt sooo good to shower. I had left all my shampoos and soaps handy but it still was a bit sore turning and reaching for them. I was still scared about my incisions getting wet but nothing I could do as I was already under water.

Shower done, I called for Brad to help me out of shower. I had decided to use a terry cloth robe instead of bothering with a towel and trying to crutch. Wrapped towel around hair and actually got out of tub ok. When beginning to unwrap the Saran Wrap, I soaked the floor with water but between the plastic and the waterproof bandages, I think incisions stayed dry. The bandages stuck well so I’ve left them on for now. Might as well get a couple showers out of them.

Yes, I was this excited to shower 3 days post op

I crutched myself to the spare room where I have clothes that I can wear over my leg. I set out a bunch of possible clothing before surgery. I didn’t want to have to reach or bend in multiple drawers and the closet. This has been so helpful. I bought some shorts a size bigger and I’m so glad I did. The swelling, even though improved since Tuesday, has made the shorts tight around the thigh. Slowly, using the grabber/reacher tool, I got myself dressed.

Since I was up, thought I could make my own lunch and get my own ice. Brad would have to carry my lunch to me but I could try and do some of it. While I was doing that, the teacher who was my replacement while I was off work stopped by with my teacher computer and a gift. I had gotten her a gift as she was amazing while I was away. I can’t believe she got me something as she helped me out! Ginny was hoping something in there was for her but it was all for me.

David’s Tea mug and a collection of organic teas. She knows me well and we just met when she subbed for me the day after my physio appointment and I thought I’d just be missing a few days. I’ve made a new friend during this, and she is going to be teaching French at another school in October so we’ll continue to work together when she needs any help.

By this time, I was exhausted. I crawled back into bed with ice and lunch and didn’t move for most of afternoon besides a bathroom break and one more ice swap. We had some rain but around 4:30 I got got up for more ice but thought maybe I could try to go outside for 5 minutes and throw Ginny the ball. We have the chuck it stick so I don’t have to bend. Took longer to figure out how to get my good sandals on without help. We got outside and I threw her the ball. She brings it back and I realized standing and trying to pick up the ball even with the chuck it stick was still hard on my hip. I navigated myself to a chair and was scared to sit as it was lower than anything I’ve really sat in. But I remembered I sat in the wheelchair at hospital and it was low so I slowly managed myself into the chair. I threw Ginny the ball about 10 times and I was tired and sore. It was also super hot. I didn’t want to overdo it so before I felt like crap, I got myself back up on crutches and made my way back in.

More ice and back in bed. I’m sore and hip throbs some so I may have done a bit too much, or it just may be sore from movement, but I’m happy, a good exhausted and ready for Day 4. After this post, I’ll do my physical therapy exercises I was given by hospital therapist. Yesterday didn’t go so well so hoping today has some improvement. I know I have to give myself time and be patient – one day these exercises will seem like nothing, but today it takes all my effort and that’s okay.

Each day seems to get better. Sure, there is pain and discomfort but it’s different now and I can’t explain in well. This is a pain that comes and goes, but will eventually go. The pain I had before was constant and sharp. It made every movement hurt. This pain gets better if I treat it right. It’s okay to move some if I use the crutches.

I’m finding my way back slowly one day at a time.

Hip Labral Tear Post Op Day 2 – June, 28, 2018

I had such a good couple days both Tuesday after surgery and most of yesterday that I was taken by surprise with a rough night. It was brought on my medication induced constipation – TMI? Well I was going to omit but if I hide behind only the good times, others out there struggling will continue to feel alone too. It’s life and it’s temporary. My goal for writing is to help others in same or similar experiences. This is something to I wish I would have been more prepared for.

My surgeon had warned me of this and had prescribed medications for it. However, I did not expect it to be as bad as it was, and I hope to never experience something like that again. The hour long ordeal left me in tears and I had definitely unintentionally overstrained my hip. Today I’m trying to add Metamucil to the surgeon’s prescribed medication. I’ve also been able to cut back one pain pill every 4 hours so far, and that should help too. Hopefully my healthy diet will also help me to restore less painful bodily functions.

When you face surgery, you only focus really on the part of your body undergoing the surgery. I was so prepared for anything with my hip, I did not fully take into account other issues. My throat has been the worst – even more painful more often than my hip. The breathing tube must have been massive and scratched the whole length of my throat. As well I’ve had deep chest congestion that I’m trying to use deep breathing to clear up. It’s also a side effect of the breathing tube. I also had a catheter which has left some pain but minor compared to the breathing tube.

I woke up today after an extremely painful night that even max dose pain meds didn’t touch so I lay in bed watching Harry Potter marathon with Brad rubbing my head. It helped and eventually I drifted off to sleep the movie still playing.

I woke up at 8am and Brad was completely asleep. He had a rough night being up with me so I hated to wake him up. I got myself up as I had to use bathroom, and managed to also make it to kitchen to grab ice packs and a muffin. Not my typical breakfast but I had no energy yet to warm up my freezer meal breakfast and find a way to carry it to bed. Been balancing eating healthy but also getting food into me when I can too – sometimes meaning something I can easily transport to bed until I can get help.

After getting my ice wrap on and settling back into bed, Brad was still sleeping so I put on my Bose soundproof headphones and began listening to the Obstacle Order Podcast – Yancy Culp was guest and he’s always so inspiring. I dozed off towards the end of it.

Brad woke up around 10am and his movements woke me up too. I asked for my freezer breakfast meal of eggs and veggies to be warmed up, and he did. I managed most of them but nausea hit again. It’s off and on. More ice and I began to feel better. I got up and decided to wash up some with sink and dress myself – thank god for my $12 Amazon reacher/grabber.

This tool has been sooo handy. I can pull on my own underwear and shorts. I decided I really wanted a tea and more ice and decided to try to go get it myself. It was 1:05pm so decided I might as well get my lunch too. Lunch was pre made already – diced turkey burger with a side of romaine lettuce, hemp seeds with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. I warmed the meat in a bowl and put back into the bento box. I had managed to steep a tea. This meant cleaning out my mug from day before st sink, putting the mug bag into my lunch kit attached to my crutch and crutch across kitchen to the water cooler to make my tea. Lunch warmed up, banana put with my lunch, tea steeping, swapped ice – lunch kit only fit the ice packs and the tea mug so I still had to ask Brad to bring me my lunch – but I did get it ready myself!

My healthy pre made lunch

Made it back it bed and ate most of my lunch and nausea hit again just at the end, as well as drowsiness. Dozed in and out a bit but I think I’ll need a good nap here soon. I really struggle with sleeping during the day but I’m getting better at accepting I need naps. The more I nap, the better I seem to feel.

The pain I feel is a deep heavy pain – it feels like the hip is trying to heal back into the socket. That it had been jarred (well in reality forcibly dislocated) and now is getting comfortable being back in joint. My swelling seems better today I think – we’ve done a decent job with icing. It’s not as easy to keep up on as you think. Either I have to ask for ice every 1.5 hours or get up myself. But my ice wrap I bought seems to keep ice cold long enough that I don’t need to rotate every 1.5 hours. We are getting 7-8 times a day of icing in out of the 5-10 tines recommended.

Today I’m allowed to take off the bulky bandage but we haven’t yet. I’m anxious and scared to. There was some bleeding yesterday I could see through the bandage so wondering if waiting for tomorrow morning may be better just since yesterday’s bleeding. But at same time – I really want it off as it’s huge. Icing will be easier when it’s off. But to be completely honest – seeing my leg bruised (most likely) and stitches is not easy for me. I think I’ll get the courage eventually – curiosity and discomfort of the big bandage is stronger than the fear of what’s underneath.

Made my follow up appointment today – was supposed to be 4 weeks post op but has to be a wee bit sooner as he’s away the week of my 4 weeks. Receptionist will make sure surgeon is okay with it but it’s only 3 days early so should be fine.

But it’s 3:17pm. Most of today is over it seems. Days seems so slow but also seem to fly by. Though last night scared us a bit and was no fun, I’m still hopeful that the worst is behind us.

Still loving my inspirational snack bags.