It seems like a lifetime ago when my back and hip pain first began March 5. The end of winter, all of spring, and beginning of summer has flown by. Everyone’s lives around me seem to me moving forward and I feel stuck in the middle, unmoving. It’s an extremely lonely and isolated journey even with amazing friends and family. Unless you’ve experienced over 100 days in your bed, it isn’t something you can easily say you understand.
I’ve been to 6 doctor/surgeon appointments, 14 physio appointments, 2 cortisone shots, 1 ER visit, 3 X-rays, 1 MRI with contrast, and now finally tomorrow hip arthroscopy surgery. I was diagnosed on June 13 with a hip labral tear in my left hip. So on the surface – I’m ready for surgery as I have a month of meals planned, post op mobility equipment ready, and bag packed. And my body is ready to begin healing.
But mentally, I’m a mess – scared and anxious. I’m worried how this injury will affect my future and if it will affect some of the new passions I’ve fallen for in sports such as half marathon running and OCR races, specially Spartans. I’ve realized during this time off that I want to refocus my half marathon road racing to trail running by I still want to do it. I have fallen in love with my healthy lifestyle, feeling energetic, and moving freely feeling good. I’m scared of forever feeling pain in even just walking. But a friend shared this quote with me last week from soccer player Abby Wambuch: “You see soccer didn’t make me who I was. I brought who I was to soccer. And I get to bring who I am wherever I go. And guess what? So do you. As you leave here today and every day going forward, don’t just ask yourself, what do I want to do? Ask yourself, who do I want to be? Because the most important thing I’ve learned is that what you do will never define you. Who you are always will.”
Abby listed four rules:
1 Make failure your fuel
2 Lead from the bench
3 Champion each other.
4 Demand the ball.
So who am I? I am someone who has come back from other setbacks. Since 2013 and first starting this journey, I’ve always fought to improve myself. Even now from bed, I love seeing my teammates race this summer and conquer personal goals. I am a better athlete for who I train with. They push me forward and I hope they know I am cheering them on even from the sidelines. I want the ball back. Metaphorically. Whatever that “ball” is for me after all of this. Even my rehab will be a “ball” for me for some time and I’ll strive to be the best “ball” player in my physical therapy. From there, a day at a time and I’ll come back – even if it isn’t exactly to everything I was doing before.
In Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore said: “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” So tomorrow I begin to live and I’ll figure out my dreams as each day comes. A new chapter begins tomorrow.
Here’s the link to the whole Abby Wambuch speech if you wish: