Fall flew by and I failed at writing anything. Even though I was on a sick leave due to complications from a dental surgery all of October!
After my first Spartan Beast race in Sun Peaks, BC at the end of September that earned me my first Trifecta (I wish I would have written about it right after as what an experience!), my life became a blur of dental appointments, pain and pain meds. It was one of the worst pain I’ve had in my life. I was on a liquid smooth diet and so much pain for 3 weeks. I couldn’t talk or eat well.
But fortunately that’s in the past! However, that one long painful experience has seemed to bring some bad luck to me. I’ve managed to get second degree burns from spilling tea and dislocating a pinky from slipping on ice just days before my second Spartan Beast race in Florida! Luckily I was able to still do the race.
Sun Peaks was a highlight of my 2017. It was 3 mountains and almost 10 hours of racing. I felt fantastic through all of it! It was over 2000 ft of maximum elevation and was 26 kilometres long. After finally crossing that finish line, teammates who had done several Beasts said this was the hardest one they’ve ever encountered.
So heading into Florida, it should have been a piece of cake after Sun Peaks. However, I went into it knowing I shouldn’t be racing with second degree burns. I went into it mentally exhausted by all the little accidents I had been having. The weather ended up being wet and rainy – making my apprehension of obstacles due to my little bad luck streak intensify. This race was flat flat flat. It was only 59 feet of maximum elevation. It should have been a laugh to complete especially as someone who has fallen in love with running.
But each time I reached an obstacle, the little voice in me said “What if?” What if I slipped? What if I got my arm wet? What if I bumped my arm too much? What if landed wrong? What if, what if, what if. My self doubts overpowered this race.
If it weren’t for my teammates pulling me through and talking me down every time I had anxiety, I don’t know how I’d have made it through this race. Thank goodness for the bucket carries, sandbag carries, log carries and farmer log carries that I crushed and helped build my confidence!
It is amazing what the mind can do to someone. I have never been the most confident in myself and have always battled self doubt. My family and friends believe in me more than I do. I think my lack of trust in myself and my lack of fighting to do things for me is why I almost ended up diabetic and obese. And unhappy. I had to push through a lot of hard work and mental battles to lose 97.5 lbs. But I did it. So yes, I may have had a bad streak of injuries. Yes, I may be short. Yes, I may not be the strongest yet. But I’ll be so much more if I can learn to let go of doubting myself and begin to believe in myself. I have a lot of goals for 2018. Behind each goal means letting myself know I can do it.
So Florida was not the race I expected it to be. I did cross that finish line in only 4 hours and I improved in many ways as an athlete if I compare stats to Sun Peaks but I lost more of myself on that Florida race.
In Sun Peaks, I never said I can’t do that. Sure, I got help on some obstacles but I did so with confidence and doing as much as I could on that obstacle. In Florida, I immediately froze at almost every obstacle and began questioning what I was doing. Now post race, I know exactly why I am doing these Spartan races. It’s to prove to myself that I can. It’s to work towards being able to do the obstacles I can’t do yet. It’s to learn that I can do anything I set my mind to. It’s to find that confident woman who was grinning ear to ear all the way through a third Sun Peaks mountain climb that was a straight incline that we had to crawl and saying “I’m living life hard and loving it”.
I don’t want be the girl crossing the Spartan finish line with regrets that I didn’t trust in myself more, failing obstacles I know I could have had and that I relied on others to finish a race for me. I don’t want to look at the finish line with relief that I’m finally crossing it. I want to be the girl who crosses a Spartan finish line after a super hard race with a huge smile of pride in myself knowing I did everything I could for myself on that course – knowing I’d do that race again in a heartbeat even though it just took almost 10 hours to complete. But that I had done it on my own strengths and belief in myself.
I hope that I can revisit this post this time next year and tell you how much I could do in 2018…just because I believed in myself.